Since coming out as a sex worker I have had many beautiful and open conversations about my job. People ask me lots of interesting and heartfelt questions, and since I am very passionate about the work I do I love engaging with them. I have noticed that some issues come up in almost every conversation I have, so I decided to make a little series of blog posts about them. Today the second one: “What is the secret to better sex?”
Excellent question, I’m glad you asked.
Being a sex worker and a conscious kink teacher, people often assume I have lots of really awesome sex. And to be perfectly honest: they are right.
“I mean, you get paid for it. You must know a few tricks, ‘ey? Nudge nudge wink wink.”
Through my job, I see a huge range of beautiful humans with a huge range of beautiful desires. I have clients of all sizes, shapes, genders, and sexual preferences. Some want to explore a long-ignored fantasy, others want to experience the sheer pleasure their body is capable of, and yet others want to release some emotion while being safely held. Most want a combination of all of that : )
In short: I have a fair bit of experience when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure in the broadest sense of the word.
What I have learned about truly great sex, is that it is not about mastering all kinds of positions, or having a certain body type. And although sexy outfits and kinky toys can be great fun, in the end, it is not about that either.
Great sex is about presence.
Whether you are having sexy times with a partner, a whole bunch of lovers, or just by yourself: the key to making it magical is being present. Present with yourself, your body, and the people you are engaging with. Not drifting off to your to-do list, not trying to remember whether you still got yoghurt in the fridge, and not obsessing over what you’d like your lover to do. Being in the moment, in the space, without distractions.
This is not easy, but indeed: I do know a few tricks. Here’s my three-step plan:
Nothing will keep you from being present like unspoken desires and boundaries.
“If only they’d bite me in my neck…” “I wish they’d take their socks of…” “It would be so nice if they’d move slightly to the left” “Hmmm, this is not really working for me…” “I wonder if they’d like me to go down on them…”
Your lovers can not read your mind, so help them out. Learn to talk about what you want. What do you want to receive? What do you want to give? What would you like to try? This can be awkward to start with, and that is ok. Giggle through it, but get those desires out. Because if you do not ask for what you want, you will not get it.
If you want to be great lover the best trick I can teach you is to treat your lovers like the expert of their own body. Ask them what they like and how they like it. Thank them for instructions. And encourage them to speak their desires and boundaries.
Learn to hear ‘no’. Sometimes your lover might not be into what you are proposing. That is not a rejection of you, it is them taking care of themselves by asserting a boundary. And that is awesome. Because it is heartbreaking to hear that someone has crossed their own boundaries because they did not want to disappoint you, isn’t it? So thank them when they say ‘no’ to something, and ask them about their desires.
And take the courage to say ‘no’ yourself as well.
Get those distracting thoughts out of the way by sharing them with your partners, and you’ve taken the first step to a better sex life.
Breath is quite a magical thing. Besides keeping you alive, it is also a magnificent tool to keep you present. It is very common to drift off a bit every now and then, and deep breathing will get you right back to where you want to be. In your body. And in the moment.
Breathing can also help when all the energy rushes to your genitals way more quickly than you’d like. Just stop whatever you are doing and take a few breaths. Imagine all that yumminess spreading through your whole body, instead of being concentrated in one area.
I like to visualise rainbows and glitters moving all through my body, from my genitals to my heart, into my arms and legs, up my throat, back to my heart, making the sensations more intense with every breath.
When you notice yourself or your lover taking shallow breaths, encourage deep breathing. You can move your hands to where you want the energy to go. And when release does come it will be all the more satisfying.
Don’t rush to release. Sure, orgasms are delicious, but why not take time and enjoy all the others sensations as well?
A hand touching your heart, lips kissing your neck, fingers pinching your nipple, a tongue tracing down your spine… Your hand touching a breast, your fingers going through someone’s hair, your mouth tasting your lover’s sweat… Be present with these sensations, breathe into them, enjoy them.
Go slow. Why the rush? You got somewhere to be? Stay in the moment and relish the lushness of it all. Someone is touching you, enjoying you, and you are touching that person too. Why would you want to cut that short?
Try not to have a goal in mind. Sex is so much more than penetration and orgasm. I quite often encounter people with penises who are so focused on orgasm that they actually can’t orgasm. The only thing that helps in such situations is to breathe and let go of any goal. To just enjoy whatever loveliness is being done to you, or that you are doing to your lover.
So there you have it: my ‘tricks’: talk, breathe, enjoy. All of these take practice of course, but was there ever such a yummy way to hone your skills?
If you want to go fast track on these skills though, I recommend a session or two with a trained professional. Nudge nudge wink wink.